UnNews:Maddox doesn't update; the end is nigh!

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, April 25, 2024, 09:20:59 (UTC)
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4 February 2007


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Here be the anti-Christ himself.

MORMONVILLE, Utah -- Author and college dropout George Ouzounian, better known by his pseudonym, Maddox, has once again failed to meet his own update deadline, subsequently causing agricultural devastation, worldwide chaos, and soon, the Apocalypse. Fans and critics alike agree that this is "a bunch of bullshit." Mixed feelings of denial, depression, and anger are mutually felt.

"How could he do this?" says one Maddox Mania user who can't live without Maddox's poster on his wall, "I can't believe this! I mean, you can only read The Alphabet of Manliness so many times. He updated only FOUR times in the last year. Oh, I'm sorry, you're writing a book? Tough shit. Stop giving us blue balls and update already, dick."

Maddox's latest "news" update is/was/whatever as follows:

“ News (01-24-07): I'll be pinching off a few updates probably this week... ”

Of course, if we examine this statement carefully, we find the use of the word "probably" and several dots prove to be uncomforting. With a cult-like following, the sinister Maddox can easily manipulate the emotions of his readers, causing many to believe that he may be a psychic energy vampire or some stupid shit like that. Regardless, authorities have begun investigating the matter, attempting to prevent the imminent Apocalypse caused by Maddox's apathy for the feelings of his fans.

Theories on how and why this could happen vary. Some claim that Maddox may have written about everything ever already ever, and has run out of ideas. However, many are optimistic, and few are looking forward to the Apocalypse.

"I don't have a son," said Ms. Ouzounian, alleged mother of Maddox who was interviewed for her relevance, "My son died a long time ago. That filth, "The Best Page In The Universe" is not my son."

Sources[edit]

Now maddox can lick my balls. If he has a problem .... He can go FUCK himself.

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