UnNews:N. Korea claims successful crispy chicken test
| Straight talk, from straight faces | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Monday, April 29, 2024, 14:20:59 (UTC) |
| N. Korea claims successful crispy chicken test | 
|
13 January 2016
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korea claims it has manufactured a crispy and spicy coating capable of obliterating the entire United States limb-in-a-box franchise. The declaration comes after the pariah state claimed to have successfully tested a “Jonginoes” meat feast, and released suspect footage of an “Unway” submarine-based cheese and meatball sandwich.
In defiance of international trade agreements and a national ban on capitalist-based fast food policy, Kim Jong Un claimed N. Korea has successfully tested a recipe for crispy thighs, utilising 22 secret herbs and spices — which according to the UN resolution, is twice the permissible amount of secret herbs and spices for breadcrumbed or similarly coated domestic animal appendages.
The threat to the US could be significant. In China, Colonel Sanders' face is everywhere, beaming from the wall of every carriage on the underground in Beijing, and watching over comrades visiting Tiananmen Square. Sanders and his benign, kindly eyes represent the helmsman of great enterprise, overseeing citizens on their way to work and offering warmth in the evening after sixteen hours of honest toil. The U.S. Colonel is the icon of modern China, holding 40 percent of the country's fast food market, despite the availability of locally sourced millipede-dippers on every street corner.
The power of “poultry” has not been lost on North Korea. In defiance of the trade agreement with KFC, the Supreme Leader plans to unseat the army veteran and replace Sanders' familiar face with the somewhat beady-eyed Colonel Kim. Outlining the Dear Leader's plans for his secret Kimtucky Fried recipe, the official KCNA state news agency said his plucky scientists 'are extremely chirpy about the prospect of battering bulk nuggets, tasty enough to deep-fry U.S. crispy-dip superiority in one fowl swoop'.
The KCNA commentary said the test was an indispensable and normal stage in establishing the 'fast food pecking-order', which other countries have taken to progress the development of a series of their own global-reaching food chains. But added the test 'was neither to "threaten" anyone nor to "ruffle feathers" for a certain purpose,' insisting that the main focus was on providing a 'sure guarantee' of the North's protection from being overrun by chickens.
Reaction in the US was immediate, as President Obama remarked in the State of the Union address that "twisted souls plotting...pose an enormous danger....But they do not threaten our national existence. (Applause.)" The Commander-in-Chief noted that Washington, D.C. might remain outside Korea's range and thus the Federal Emergency Management Agency could direct any necessary rebuilding.
Sources[edit]
- Simon Tomlinson "North Korea boasts it is now capable of wiping out 'the whole of the US at once' with new hydrogen bombs". Mail Online, January 13, 2015
- Stephen Evans "The face you can't avoid in China". BBC News, January 13, 2015
- B. Soetero and ToTUS "2016 State of the Union address". The White House, January 12, 2015