UnNews:NASA to announce life in Europe

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22 September 2016

Europe would be a great place to go Jupiter-watching, as shown in this artist's rendition, though scientists could not say what other use it might have.

CAPE CARNIVAL, Florida -- NASA is set to announce on Monday that it has detected signs of water in Europe, which could mean that there is intelligent life there.

The space agency sent out a cryptic message, to be nailed down for viewers during a live television program, set for 7 p.m. U.K. time. The subject will be "surprising evidence of a subsurface ocean" in Europe. Most scientists agree that, although water in a given place does not prove there is intelligent life there, the lack of water almost always proves that there isn't.

The American space agency has sent jillions of dollars sending the Juno space probe to Europe to find the answers to life's most vexing questions, such as whether Saddam Hussein really had Weapons of Mass Destruction and whether those emails on Hillary Clinton's private server were really classified, or whether all the handwritten "(C)" notations beside numerous paragraphs simply meant that the information was copyrighted. The extraterrestrials will also be asked a question submitted by a school pupil. Second-grader Jamaal Williams of Detroit submitted the winning entry, "Why do beans make you fart and toot?"

Europe could be a likely tourist venue, although Juno technicians report that its highest temperature is a nippy -150° Celsius. In this respect, the use of the word "water," which usually suggests its liquid phase, is a bit charitable. The scientists reply that one would never have to ask the bartender for a frosted glass for one's next pint. Other findings suggest that the rims would come pre-salted as well. The atmosphere has a full 0.1 micro-Pascals of oxygen as well, thinnsh but equally invigorating for vacationers or even honeymooners.

Just last month, Britain voted that there is no intelligent life in Europe, though voters were never polled on the presence or absence of an underground ocean. Voters there seem willing to defer future exploration to Yankee space probes. However, project engineer Steve Levin said that, at the conclusion of a set of enjoyable television specials, Juno itself will be crashed into the surface of Europe to avoid contaminating any potential life there. This job will be left to refugees from Syria.

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