UnNews:Organizers recreate Three Mile Island magic

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Saturday, April 27, 2024, 09:35:59 (UTC)

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28 March 2007

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Nothing makes people salivate like a Nucular meltdown

HARRISBURG, Pennsylvania -- While some Negative Nancies- ahem, Godless Democrats- view the Three Mile Island 'accident' as the worst disaster in American commercial nucular power-generating history, other, more optimistic American flag waving types, freedom-loving Republicans, make note that it led to no deaths or injuries of anybody of consequence.

If you think that looks bad, you should have been at the festival. Booooorrrring!

On March 28, 1979, (which was just 2 days before this reporter's seventh birthday... don't act like you didn't know) the plant's mislabeled second unit (or first?) failed. That Acme nuclear plant unit on the Three Mile Island Nuclear Generating Station near Harrisburg suffered a core meltdown. Not unlike when Zim notices that his lunch has been ganked from the UnNews Staff fridge... it wasn't me Chief... I brought in the tuna salad.

The Harrisburg Board of Commerce had hoped to make a festival out of the near world ending catastrophe that was narrowly averted. They loaned the decommissioned SS Kentucky Nuclear Submarine from the National Doomsday Sociey and acquired a nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Republic of Fuckovistan on eBay.

Homer J. Simpson, an operator at the Springfield sister plant had this to say, "This is the greatest anniversary in Nuclear history. Before that day no one in the world was allowed to bring donuts into the operator room. Mmmm, Donuts."

Unfortunately for party organizers Simpson was the lone participant at this years event. Fortunately, he ate all the food.