UnNews:Peru falls to the "K"

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10 June 2016

PPK did not claim victory but went on television and called himself the nation's "virtual President," suggesting he can do the job from his trading terminal during breaks between buying and selling debentures.

LIMA, Peru -- The runoff Presidential election in Peru is complete and K has beaten K, 50.1% to 49.9%.

Peruvians, hungry for a sense of national pride after five years of Andean native Ollanta Humala, had an agonizing decision between a Japanese and a Polack, both of them known by the letter K, which means strikeout in the United States but doesn't mean anything in Peru, where they mostly speak Spanish.

Mr. Humala had won the Presidency under the inspiring slogan, "My name is not Fujimori," and this year's race featured more candidates than the U.S. campaign, almost all of them using the same slogan. Peru does not have the U.S. system of name-calling, mudslinging, and appeals to big-money donors to winnow out the awful candidates, and they all made the final ballot, which meant that it was not final, the top two going into last weekend's runoff election.

Elderly economist P.P. Kuczynski repeatedly insisted, "My name is not Fujimori," and touted his career at the World Bank inducing Peru to borrow money from abroad, loot it, and then negotiate gentler schedules for repayment. He had his own political party, also known by the initials PPK, and promised to be Peru's BFF, which would be a BFD. He is called a "centrist," which means the media love him though they can't describe him.

His opponent was Keiko Fujimori, who disparaged her father's service as President-for-Life but wouldn't go as far as to say he committed crimes, leaving open the possibility that Dad is serving 25 years in prison merely for always taking the last cookie from the tray, and was also coy about whether she would pardon him. Tragically, she inherited the double gene for doctoring video, reminding voters of Dad's right-hand-man Montesinos, who didn't just shake down businessmen but torpedoed the Presidency when he YouTubed it.

Kuczynski's final margin of 40,000 votes over the younger Fujimori should be sufficient to survive Peru's signature voting irregularities. The nation thus hopes to show more primitive nations like the United States how to elect an elderly candidate with no particular platform without a five-month waiting period to contemplate the horror of it.

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