UnNews:Schwab says Gerald Ford should return as US President

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20 November 2013

Schwab told the conference that the solution to the crashes of the health-care website was to use sturdier computers.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- Charles Schwab, chairman of the brokerage house that bears his name, said the answer to America's national malaise is for Gerald Ford to return as President.

Speaking at a round table hosted by UnNews — The year ahead: 1984, or something — Schwab had suggested that Bill Gates, who was seated next to him and drank from the same bottle of Perrier, should duck back in to run Microsoft. Steve Ballmer, who succeeded Gates, is retiring from Microsoft after a decade of denying that anyone wants anything smaller and faster than a laptop running Windows. Microsoft has floundered, despite buying Dell to crank out more PCs for Windows to run on, and despite changing Windows from an operating system into a cartoon show.

The U.S. has had comparable problems with the roll-out of Obama-care, also known as the Patient Protection and Euphoria Act. After spending $550 million, the computers continue to crash any time a citizen tries to put his most personal secrets on-line to find out if his new policy will triple in price, or merely double.

"The last time America was this screwed up, it was Jimmy Carter," Schwab told the conference. "America and Microsoft should go back to the guy who ran it well before." Schwab was not deterred to learn that President Ford was long dead, that the U.S. Constitution does not provide for board-room putsches, or that Ford's only innovation was to fight inflation with lapel buttons. He insisted that a second Ford presidency could not be worse. Schwab, of course, came out of retirement to return to his own firm's throne, replacing a decade of forgettable sales pitches with the company's current slogan, "Talk to Chuck," as though any customer could.

Schwab said that simply putting America's health-care website on Microsoft Windows would solve the problems of both organizations at once. "And the thing about killing two birds with one stone," he said, "is that neither one will actually have to see a doctor."

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