UnNews:Smithers' news not news, says news

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2 October 2015

"It was when he planned to steal our sunlight that I really fell in love, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy."

PORTLAND, Oregon -- Soap star Weyland Smithers is to officially announce on TV that he is gay and declare his love for his boss, Montgomery Burns. Both national and international news wires have been taking pains to make it clear this is not news but just a PR stunt and should not be documented — thereby making it news and documenting it.

In a surprisingly homophobic attack, the UK's The Independent accused Smithers of being zeightist and said his “coming out” is completely pointless, as the joke about him being in the closet had grown so thin that nobody believed it anymore.

Even the Daily Mail, the world's gayest newspaper, called him sycophantic and dug up his most embarrassing moments, such as dreaming Burns was bursting naked from a cake to sing him happy birthday, and the famous “lip kiss” — despite Smithers making it clear afterwards it was just a mark of respect.

"The kiss", even back then the public suspected Smithers felt somewhat more than just admiration for his boss.

Not one news outlet spared a thought for Smithers himself. The P.A. to Burns at the nuclear power plant was so radiant with joy the news is finally out, he positively glowed green. He is hoping a romantic relationship will now blossom with Burns, as he described his initial job interview as “love at first sight.”

Smithers has had a lifetime career as Burns's assistant and caregiver. His love for the deskpot surely grew as he took phone calls, prepared his tax return, moistened his eyeballs, assisted with his chewing and swallowing, lied to Congress on his behalf, and did some light typing. However, though the whole of Springfield and the rest of the world suspected Smithers was homosexual and had feelings for Burns, the boss himself did not.

Tiring of the constant lack of appreciation though, the brave move by Smithers will give him more options if things don't go to plan, He has already quit once in May, after 26 years service over a dispute with producers, but has since returned on a $300,000 per-episode deal. The P.A. is hoping to finally dispel rumors that he is not just a self-publicising gold-digger, and put an end to newspapers “pretending” not to lower themselves to reporting on a cartoon character story, by taking a swipe backstage.

As consolation, Pope Francis granted a Papal audience to Smithers and Burns. The Pope had met on September 24 with Kim Davis, the Kentucky county clerk who refused to grant marriage licenses to homosexual couples. However, the Vatican last Friday noted that the meeting with Davis was not an official audience and "should not be considered a form of support of her position." A spokesman clarified: "She just arrived with a pizza, and His Holiness was hungry."