UnNews:Sports Direct in the floodlights amid safety fears

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6 October 2015

Grim: The Cleveland Street Sports Direct inspired Garage band Artful Dodger DJ, Oliver Twist's 2015 Funckaliscious tour with Baby D and Masterstepz; as Twist's mum, Becky, worked in the running shoes section, where conditions were described as “brutal”.

DERBYSHIRE, England -- Budget sport retailer Sports Direct are facing referees over excessive staff injuries, after 750 ambulances were called out to a single store in 48 hours. The Health and Safety Executive are now examining action replays of thousands of weekly calls to attend company staff, mainly orphans, who had “life threatening injuries, illnesses or were dead”.

The company recently faced the high-jump in the national press for having a “Dickensian” attitude to employees. It was reported that former Sports Direct "Team Players" were too scared to ask for injury-time; for fear of being dragged into the yard, stripped naked, tied to a wooden cart-wheel and beaten with tarred rope, by serious men sporting thick mustaches.

However, the company played a strong defensive line by saying it would take any penalties handed out by judges in the spirit of competitive sport retail. Sports Direct know winning the long game is about consistency, especially when it comes to employees; and they haven't changed those goal posts for over a century. Sports Direct did add that their "target" was to provide safe working conditions for all.

The most recent hospitalization was senior shop assistant Becky Twist, who was stretchered off after taking a beating, because she collapsed of starvation. “I became an employee ten years ago, just as I was about to give birth to Ollie.” Ms Twist said at a bedside press conference, “They said my baby was going to be a burden to the company, as it would be six years before they could set him to work in the chimneys.

“But the store manger Mr. Beadle agreed to take me on, provided he could sub the child for a profit to the undertaker or Dorothy Perkins when he is older, and claim his daily portion of gruel. Odd thing... after that act of kindness, he turned out to be a thieving, drunken, brutal bastard, blaming me for any training issues in training shoes. Still, I always said to Ollie that you can't "re-e-wind"; and I'm so proud he ran away to became "Bo Selecta" on the London Garage scene as a DJ and MC with the Artful Dodger.”

The figures are from a Freedom of Information request to the East Midlands Ambulance service for the BBC's whistle-blowing Inside Out program. Hospital staff are having to deal with life threatening cases of exhaustion, malnutrition, infection, sanitary and pulmonary disease, blunt-instrument trauma and athlete’s foot. The Ambulance service also revealed the shuddering numbers of paper thin pauper-coffins they deliver hourly to bury the dead out back, in a graveyard they share with Pets At Home and the butchers.

In a statement, a Sports Direct spokesperson said: “Our teams are under a firm-but-fair, six-strike policy. A strike includes, but is not limited to: a lost-time injury, collapsing or bleeding in front of the public and begging for food or screaming for help through the wrought-iron railings, after 10 pm. The dead get an instant red card. Sports Direct always “targets” compliance with applicable working conditions legislation and high-tackle any reporting of foul working conditions in our sweatshirt-shops.”