UnNews:Syriza wins in Greece; leader vows to end Archaic austerity

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26 January 2015

New Greek PM: "Nothing exists except atoms, everything else is just opinion."

ATHENS, Greece -- Greek leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory in a snap election on Sunday, that the country’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over, and the Golden Dawn of the Hellenic Period had arrived.

Syriza holds 2980 steps in the 6000-step quorum, 8.5 points ahead of the conservative New Democracy party of ex-Prime Minister Antonis Samaras. "By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tsipras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon.

“Greece leaves behind catastrophic antiquity, it leaves behind fear and authoritarianism, it leaves behind the intention to pay bond holders, and leaves behind five hundred years of suffering and humiliation,” he said, hoisting up a slipping toga.

“Trade minister Aristotle Onassis told me after drinking an amphora of Ouzo, that if women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning,” marking a flat rejection of the crusade by hummusless Saxon oligarch, Angela the Great. Her model has been enforced for the defeated economies throughout Europe; from the Jutes in the North, to the Kingdon of the Ostgoths in the South.

Citing a popular daytime theatre series; Syriza's campaign slogan "There’s cash in the Attica" resonated with voters whose sandals are worn, due to huge budget cuts and heavy tax burdens during the years of crisis.

He told the crowd to pour their fathers ashes from their pelikai, fill their chariots with unwanted terracotta wine jugs and head to market. For those with drachma to barter, Tsipras announced a new tie up and ride on the outskirts of the city, including free water troughs for ass and oxen, courtesy of a new sucker bondholder.

The Prime Minister concluded, quoting the philosopher Democritus: “People of Greece, nothing exists except atoms; everything else is just opinion and the time for pita is over. Once again we shall see the rich meze of life in Athens; we shall see our people continue to roll the dice and lose their marbles on the steps of the Acropolis. Once again we shall have cheap bath memberships, and once again tourists shall fill the Ibis and line our pockets with wallets, watches, Euros and iPhones.”

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