UnNews:Tsipras beats Merkel at Twister

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10 July 2015

Greece rejoices as the cheque to the electric company clears and the lights go back on at the Acropolis. The only remaining problem is money for the roof repairs.

BRUSSELS, Belgium -- Alexis Tsipras has bested Angela Merkel in a giant pan-European game of Twister, writing even greater austerity measures than Brussels initially proposed, while annoying Merkel, re-igniting national hatred across Europe, and remaining a hero at home.

The Greek Prime Minister, still beaming from his election victory that ended all this stupid austerity-and-back-to-work talk, knew all along he had to comply with European demands to get another bailout. The problem the PM faced was his election victory had ended all this stupid austerity-and-back-to-work talk.

Tsipras showed voters that he was not going to be pushed about by Europe, by getting the Greek people to do his dirty work and vote No in a national referendum on the proposal. This left the Prime Minister with full support of his country, and able to say to Merkel: “See? it’s not me, it’s them” — then accuse her publicly of blackmail.

Tsipras then bypassed Merkel and blackmailed the Greeks himself by sitting smugly for a couple of days sipping ouzo while the ECB stopped the euro tap. With share prices falling, Greek banks running out of money, the Eurozone bleating about how a Grexit will destroy the European economy, Merkel stamping around Brussles in a total rage — Greek traders and locals started getting nervous at the prospect of returning to the all-but-worthless drachma.

Sitting back for a couple more days to let the banks run completely dry, Tsipras returned to Brussels with his own plan that was far more severe than the initial proposal. This guaranteed approval from Brussels, simultaneously showing his people he will only do things on his own terms.

The Greek populace, now unable to feed their families or get hold of medicine, couldn’t care less what the deal was, provided it means they are not all going to perish before the end of the week. Tsipras, now having signed on the dotted line, returned home a hero as the euros flowed once again, the financial markets surged, and the Greek people saw Tsipras as uniquely able to protect them not just from the Europeans but from themselves.

Tsipras should enjoy an entire weekend of afterglow, as it will be Monday before enough change starts circulating to let the Greek people start buying newspapers again.

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