UnNews:Variations on a common theme
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| Variations on a common theme | 
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25 January 2021
Anywhere, World -- Kandice Barber, a now ex-teacher, has categorically denied having sex with a 15 year old student. She was probably not an English teacher as she had to look up the word "alibi" while preparing her defense. Ms Barber has already been convicted of sending the boy a video of her lying on a bed surrounded by sex toys in order to provide him with essential instruction on their identification and proper use. She then claimed that she was too short to have sex with him anyway, although the details of how a 15 year old boy was unable to find a way to have sex with a complaisant young woman of any dimension have not been publicly revealed. Ms Barber has now asserted that she was much too busy to have sex with him based on her packed - ummm - social schedule. Claiming that she had a demanding meeting with the West Middlebone Horizontal Limbo Society at 13:00, a presentation about the Kama Sutra for the senior boys' combined soccer teams at 14:40, a lecture on breaking the ice in mixed saunas at 15:00 and an extended class in relaxation exercises for tense young men at 16:30, she said it was obvious that she could not have fit him in on the afternoon in question.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic Ocean and well into what used to be Trump territory, Laura Dunker seems to have solved the problem of being too busy to have sex with students in the afternoon by doing it with a couple of early risers at Bedford High in Ohio. While successful in getting a bit on the "kiss and drop" run, the activity was apparently noticed through the undoubtedly steamy windows of her car by others in the car park. Ms Dunker has been quietly applauded for not trying to consummate the sunrise quickies while driving. As she is headed for the slammer due to "sexual battery", it is clear that those of the participants were pretty well charged.
Perhaps one reason that the media cannot resist these stories is that they are inevitably accompanied by an op-ed piece asking what drives a teacher to engage in sexual relationships with their students. Apart from trying to pretend that the author has the mental age of a child asking, "Mummy, are those people fighting?", it allows said author to trot out whatever pop psychology that he or she indulges. From lingering colonialism to the increasing use of feigned mental illness in dating app profiles, it is ever so much more intellectual than the boring reality that they just like having sex.
Sources[edit]
- Alex Winter and Rob Pattinson "Married teacher claims she was ‘too busy’ for sex with student, 15". The Sun, January 23, 2021
- Sara Hussain "Teacher, 31, jailed for two years over sexual abuse of two students". The Sun, January 25, 2021