UnNews:Denver man binge-watches new House of Cards season twice

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28 February 2015

Charles, who supplied this image himself, is a self-professed "big fan" of the Netflix Original Series House of Cards.

DENVER, Colorado -- In the early hours of last Saturday morning, a Denver man tweeted claiming to be the first person to binge-watch the new season of the Netflix Original Series House of Cards twice, barely more than a full day after its initial release. When reached for comment, this man, who wished to be identified only as Charles, seemed overwhelmed with excitement.

"Yeah, like, I'm a big fan of the show," Charles — now more than a full day without sleep — confirmed, "I mean it has tits and murder. What more can you want? It's like Game of Thrones, but without all those gaylord dragons. So, as soon as I knew when it was coming out, I knew I had to prepare. So I called my buddy, and I was like, 'Hey, can you get me any meth?' and the dude was like 'Sure, you got money?' And I was like, 'bleep yeah, dude. This is House of Cards, bitch. I'd trade my nut if I had to.'" Charles' contact seemed disinterested in his testicles, however, and more inclined towards cash — which Charles, in his own words, "also had."

Charles' preparation for this endeavor and dedication to the series are clear. "I had like five bags of Funyuns and I used the restroom a few times, but I was too like engrossed in the show to stand up, so I could really use a shower at this point."

Charles continued his review of the show in an ecstatic tone of voice approaching the delirious: "Dude, it was bleeping badical, brah. Like totally bleeping grandiose bleep, if you know what I'm saying. And that part at the end where Underwood straight up bleeping punches Godzilla in the face. I didn't even notice that the first time I watched it. I'm telling you, the show's got layers."

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