UnNews:Sanders announces sex change
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Monday, April 29, 2024, 00:22:59 (UTC) |
| Sanders announces sex change | 
|
08 June 2016
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After Hillary Clinton's win of California in the Democratic primaries, fellow candidate Bernie Sanders announced a successful sex change operation. Sanders, who now wishes to be referred to as "Barbara", was met with accusations that she became a woman as a last-ditch effort to clinch any lingering female votes not stolen by Clinton.
"I believe", Sanders yelled, hunching her shoulders, "that in America, a person has the right to change their sex and not be accused of political motivations for doing so."
When faced with skepticism that Sanders was simply in drag, Bernie Barbara, in Caitlyn Jenner fashion, revealed one saggy, malformed breast and walked around slapping reporters with it.
"I have been a beautiful woman trapped inside a crotchety old man's body for 74 years, and it's time that I show myself for who I truly am", yelled Sanders hoarsely into the mic before collapsing into a fit of old man woman sobs. Upon viewing the coverage, tweets commending Sanders' bravery barraged social media, which many respectable news outlets like CNN and Fox News quoted in articles.
"Barbara is a beautiful and brave human being for showing herself for who she really is and not giving a fuck about what others think #winning #yougogirl #fuckthepatriarchy", tweeted one user.
"Barbara needs to show that sexy bod of hers. She is the next big sex symbol #moveovercaitlyn" tweeted another.
Some Democratic voters lamented that they threw away their vote by voting for Hillary and that in retrospect, Sanders was the much better choice.
"I voted Hillary because Bernie was never gonna win the popular vote as a man. Now that Bernie is Barbara, we can all see Hillary for the scheming cunt that she is", commented one passerby.
Others are thrilled that Sanders is no longer a man, but in the long-run could care less.
"Now that Barbara is a woman, I have so much more respect for her policies because of the adversity she has faced throughout her life. If we elect Barbara, she will be a huge turning point for America and a huge victory for woman's rights", said Frannie Sukowitch. When asked about Clinton, whose campaign has also been presented as a step for woman's rights, Sukowitch shrugged. "Honestly, either way is fine with me. Both nominees are qualified because they're both women."
"I won't believe Sanders is a woman until we see a birth certificate saying so", joked Republican front-runner Donald Trump. "I kid, I kid, good for her for coming out as a woman. You know, that's the great thing about America, that a presidential candidate can get a sex change operation right in the middle of her campaign. And I'm telling you, it's all because of trustworthy businesses that allow people like Barbara to embrace their true identity. But guess what: I can make America even greater by supporting businesses like these when I become president, because lets face it; Sanders might wanna invest in a dam now that she's a woman but she still isn't gonna build a wall", laughed Trump. Trump is notable for being the first comedian to hold a party nomination.
"This sex change really couldn't have come at a worst time", stated Jeff Weaver, Sanders' campaign manager. "Her favorability ratings are through the roof but DC is the last region to vote. Not only is my nutsack bigger than DC but people there care more about weed than fake titties right now."
Weaver continued: "We pressured Sanders to come out as an open-pot smoker but she said that wouldn't fly, which I don't get, because she is old enough to have plenty of diseases that necessitate the use of cannabis."
However, there is hope yet for the Sanders campaign. The League of Women Voters recently made a decision to change their poster child from Clinton to Sanders. "We believe that Barbara Sanders best represents the type of woman America needs today; a person who has had to face adversity in becoming a woman, whereas Clinton bought her way into power through her husband", stated Elisabeth MacNamara, president of the League of Women Voters. The League vowed that if Sanders does not become the Democratic nominee, they will formally declare war on the United States.
"The League of Women Voters are a formidable ally", stated Weaver. "They're America's 18th line of defense, after the Mississippi national guard and the naval reserves. If the League stays true to its word, Clinton will have to concede if she wants to avoid all-out civil war."
Hillary Clinton, upon hearing this, understandably showed signs of distress. Although previously making boastful presumptions of winning the Democratic nomination, the loss of her greatest support group was a huge blow to her campaign. Rumors arose that she made plans to have a race-change operation until one of her aides quietly confided to her that no such thing existed.
"You know, I've had a lot of spare time since winning California, and when I was cleaning up my attic the other day, like a good housewife should-raucous cheering from the audience-I found this old thing", holding up a chart of her family tree in a recent rally. "And wouldn't you know it, if you look closely, you can see that my great, great, great, great grand-cousin thrice-removed is actually Black. No wonder I love carrying around hot sauce", she jokes, putting her hand on her hip and giving the crowd a smug look. "I guess you're gonna have to call me Hill-dog from now on, 'ey Barack?", she said, putting on a Chicago Bulls jersey and a bandana. A disheveled and gaunt President Obama was reported to have put his face in his hands upon viewing a stream of the rally.
The Clinton campaign then unveiled its new slogan: "A Vote For Hill-dog is a vote for two minorities".
Nonetheless, overall, the Barbara Sanders campaign is confident now that the League of Women Voters has promised to declare war. "Clinton's sweating bullets now that she can't use her V-card anymore", said Weaver. "And when I say 'V-card', I don't mean 'virgin'", he said, putting his fingers up to his mouth in a v-shape and making lewd gestures with his tongue.
Sanders went to her final rally in Washington DC to stir up voters. Facing thousands of supporters holding signs proclaiming 'Bernie's or Bust', Sanders unveiled her own campaign slogan: 'A sex change we can believe in'.
"This is a real crucial moment, we need to show that Barbara is credible now that she has a vagina", stated one supporter amidst whooping fans.
Sources[edit]
- Helpcomment "Hillary Clinton -- Panders Away ... I Roll with Hot Sauce (VIDEO)". Youtube, April 18, 2016