UnNews:Trump persists but signals return to business-as-usual

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2 December 2020

L. Linseed "Lin" Wood, Jr. (left) and the President (right) confer on the best way to leave town without admitting defeat.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Donald Trump refused to concede the election again today, but he and his lawyers are signaling the Republican Party that it is time to return to business-as-usual.

Trump's personal lawyer L. Linseed "Lin" Wood stated on Twitter that GOP dignitaries in Georgia offered such little help on the President's claims of foreign treachery and domestic ballot fraud, that loyal Trump fans ought to "sit on their hands" regarding the runoff election on January 5.

Saying you want something but expending no effort to achieve it (beyond attending gala banquets) is a hallmark of Republican governance, as is helping one another lose to play out grudges, and the Trump team seems to be signaling it is time to return to it, even though a double loss in Georgia would give Democrats both houses of Congress, along with Hollywood, Big Tech, and most of the soft-serve ice cream outlets in Dixie.

Echoing a boy named Lin, a girl named Sidney — now litigating on her own account — has moved beyond charges of an international conspiracy to mis-count votes to a proposal that the Marine Corps occupy all the nation's 361,000 polling places and conduct a massive "do-over" only involving the race for President and Vice President. Sidney Powell said the re-vote would use a single set of rules, and the use of uniformed soldiers would make it impossible for poll-watchers to be sat where they could not watch anything, as she charges Democrats did in Philadelphia.

Gen. Michael Flynn and Roger Stone, advisers to Mr. Trump as well as recipients of pardons from him, have suggested that Mr. Trump declare martial law on account of his loss. In this scenario, troops could not only do the poll-watching but the voting. "I believe he was selected by God for this job," Mr. Stone said on The Alex Jones Show. As God has 92 electoral votes, such a selection would singlehandedly overcome Mr. Trump's deficit.

Having the U.S. Government take over something that belongs to the states is another hallmark of Republican rule, from John McCain's Comprehensive Tobacco Settlement and Campaign Finance Reform, to George W. Bush's HIPAA law on who can say what at the doctor's office. Republicans had a lock on large, bad solutions until Barack Obama took back best-in-breed with a dog named Obama-care.

Such Republicans that are left in Congress may be breathing a sigh of relief that, even though Mr. Trump insists he won the election, they can return to a comfortable life of favor-trading, log-rolling, and dining with lobbyists rather than live in fear of what Mr. Trump might tweet next.

Further signaling a return to treachery-as-normal, Mr. Trump announced that he will not sign the Defense bill unless Congress slips in an unrelated provision punishing Twitter. Twitter enjoys the legal protection of saying "someone else wrote that libel and we just passed it along" even while calling Mr. Trump a liar on a daily basis. UnNews approached Twitter for a response but only found some hippie wearing a nose ring.

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