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Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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May 31: Feast Day of the Rancid Aardvark (Czech Republic); Fast Food and Baseball Appreciation Day (United States); World No Tobacco Day
- 1357 – The feather bed is invented but it is eventually found that more than one feather works best.
- 1578 – Martin Frobisher sails from England to Frobisher Bay, Canada. He is stunned to find somewhere he's never been has been named after himself.
- 1830 – The first cigarettes are introduced and are approved by the Surgeon General as a treatment for pink lung disease.
- 1884 – John Harvey Kellogg, after seeing a field of corn covered in flakes of snow, patents yogurt enemas and pornflakes. (pictured)
- 1924 – The Soviet Union signs an agreement with the Chinese government, designating Outer Mongolia as One of the funniest place-names in the world.
- 1938 – Adolf Hitler, trying to quit smoking, has his troops invade Czechoslovakia for its candy and gum factories.
- 1945 – Babe Ruth, in the heat of the game, kills the umpire, and is given a stern warning.
- 1961 – Scientists release research confirming anchovies are more at home in tomato sauce than water.
- 1974 – Syria and Israel sign an accord to resolve the hostilities over who gets first dibs on Kojak re-runs.
- 2006 – Bono finally finds what he's looking for.
- 2007 – Bono loses what he finally found in 2006 and begins to look for it again.
- 2011 – In a worldwide protest, aardvarks play anti-baseball in McDonald's parking lots while smoking cheap cigars.
- 2017 – Gwyneth Paltrow invents the the fast food and baseball enema.
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